Quitter. Don’t you just despise that word? Don’t you wish people never find out you gave up on something, on anything?

Today, I decided to call it quits with my present job - a job not even two months old. Why? I have several reasons, all of which you can read in a lengthier, if not “rantier” post.

Whether these reasons save me from the crucifying sensation of being labelled a quitter, I will find out soon enough. But right now, I am unwell. I know I wanted to quit. I know I wanted to resign. The emotional toll, however, is only sinking in today.

A bad job decision. The struggle to fit in. Difficulty in coping with tasks beyond my professional experience. They seemed to be sufficient reasons to leave. And having passed my resignation letter, I do enjoy a certain sigh of relief, a sliver of peace I haven’t had the last seven weeks.

But I am also disappointed. In myself, more than anything else. And foolishly, disappointed in the universe’s ways. Like the gods had something to do with my personal setbacks. Like spirits possessed me to make such a huge decision. Not a tinge of sadness rather a melange of shattered self-esteem, interior agitation, and overwhelming loneliness. Disappointed because I could have been more graceful when the days were rough rather than bombarding family and friends with my defeatist outlook.

I have three weeks left. No new job waiting in the wings, except for a few applications that I’ve been praying to hear from. Back to the drawing board it seems, and back to square one.

Quitter. Am I one? Or is it just like gay, another label I should not pay attention to? Weak? Perhaps. Weak against the challenges thrown my way. Quitting the battle. Tired. Too tired to think, feel, write.

After I wrote about investments, I’ve been thinking about chronicling my professional journey. I’m planning a new blog/journal, which would serve as a repository for my less poetic, less prosaic recordings on life. I’ve been inspired by Where Is Life especially after an insightful correspondence with the author, Leah Cox, regarding my professional and personal struggles. She brought an outside perspective that was terribly needed, and which has already proven invaluable.

I’m also planning on attending a seminar on goal setting this weekend. I think it would a great learning experience. Aside from being affordable, the center organizing the event has a great background. The speaker’s credentials are also noteworthy – he doesn’t seem to be the usual ‘all persuasion’ lecturer rather focused more on practical lessons that would apply. Which I like. Substance over flare, as I say. Plus, I’m planning to network with fellow young professionals during the seminar, or maybe find myself a professional mentor. Not that I am in desperate need of one. But having someone view your life from a different perspective gives you an expanded panorama that can be crucial for success, especially the personal kind.

In other news, this week could potentially be a game changer. I do hope I get a job offer I’ve been praying for. I’ve gone through a rigorous process for two particular career opportunities. This week is make or break. I’m terribly hoping for the former.

On another note, I’d like to ask you a question. How do you feel about mixing money with relationships? With family, it’s easy. But when it comes to friends or acquaintances, I’ve often found it burdening to put a relationship under certain financial obligations. I know many couples who argue over money. My parents have had their share of debates over finances. And as much as I trust my financial advisor over my investments, I understand she’s simply doing her job, and emotional investment is out of the question. So when the pesos or dollars get mixed in usually innocent or candid friendly activities, I’ve found the relationships more difficult to maintain, and in the long-term, strained. Money is good. But thrown into intimate and deep private connections, it can be problematic.

Thoughts?

mother’s day

Words are essentially useless when we begin to describe the goodness of our mothers. Patient, kind, gentle – these are but few adjectives we’ve grown accustomed to being attached to the women who gave birth to us. It is all but true honoring our mothers should never be limited to a day. Gratitude must be expressed in every waking moment, in every precious second. Their presence is crucial, and to undermine their impact in the lives of men, in societies, and in nations, is to be ignorant of the few basic truths which keep this world intact. Mothers are manifestations of love. There are of course, rarities. Cruel, abusive, indifferent. However, these instances of violence and apathy can never dampen the overwhelming goodness of the billions of others who have fought against the same – cruelty from their own children, abuse in the hands of their husbands, and the indifference of society. If there is one word better to describe mothers, it is brave. Indeed, braver than most men.

So regardless of how annoyed we maybe of their unsolicited advice, their nagging, their worrisome nature, and for some, their emasculating tenderness, it is actually all of those which restore sense in our lives.

Today, tonight, tomorrow, and the rest of the days we have earned another second to live with our mothers, let us love them. Love them as they deserve. Love them as they love us so unconditionally.

“Goodness is the only investment that never fails.”

In spite of my not so ideal job, I’ve managed to get through the days with a simple goal in mind. And that is to save enough money to secure some financial certainty in the coming years. If anything, I’m not well-versed in personal finance. My goal has always been simple: to be financially independent from my folks. What I know of saving, spending, and investing, I’ve learned from my parents’ experiences - both the good and bad. Other lessons come as success stories from friends, or practical advice from my siblings and their colleagues. Of course, I do my own research. I’ve discovered bearable investment schemes with regards to my income, and I’ve found independent writing opportunities to augment what I earn. Along with it, I’ve managed to live on a budget. Save first, spend later: that’s been a critical financial mantra I keep to heart.

If you asked me for financial advice, you’d most likely go nowhere because my idea of being “financially independent” is questionable. Kidding aside, I’ve never been aggressive when it comes to money, mainly because I like my risks low to medium. I don’t have disposable income, so I prefer to weigh my options. Understanding risks is something I’m slowly developing, and not just with money, mind you. I’m averse to uncertainty, and friends could attest to how uptight and controlling I can be. When it comes to money, I want to make sure I do it right.

If there is one virtue you need however, it is patience. Like what I wrote before, mansions are easy to built, palaces take time. I do believe it applies to any sort of investment: financial, academic, social, or even personal. You reap what you sow, but growth is gradual, and not something that should be hastened. Easy money is good, but based from my experience, it’s also easy to run out. When you invest on something long term, you manage your risks better.

Read More

One of the best things about being single is daydreaming. You can imagine a slew of possibilities about your first lover. How will the first kiss be? What kind of electricity will charge your spine as every touch is transformed into loving reassurance? Do you become the practical boyfriend, or the tempestuous, jealousy-driven, clingy partner you’ve always detested? How will you act from knowing you’re no longer single? Will you bloom as they say? God, what are the rules on date nights? Are you supposed to greet your lover every single morning?

And then comes the more nightmarish questions:

How does one continue to please his partner? How does one resolve arguments? What do you say when asking for forgiveness? How long should you stay angry at someone? Do you have sex right at the get-go? Oh God, what if he’s seeing someone else? Am I enough?

Suffice to say, I enjoy playing such scenarios in my head. I’ve always been the dreamy, overthinker. It’s not a compliment, mind you, but my mind if full of synapses I can’t control. Imagining is - horoscope aversion aside - the Piscean nature.

So who would it be? Is he someone I know? God forbid, is she someone I know? When does he come? Does he even come? Who would have the honors - modesty aside - of being the first person I’m in a relationship with?

Next week, Filipinos take to the polls for the midterm elections. Pageantry, popularity, and promise all at stake.

I would like to take this time to remind my Filipino friends and readers to vote according to their conscience. We are at a crossroads once more, and regardless of how effective you think your vote may be, it is your civic and moral duty to exercise the right to suffrage. Our country is beset by a myriad of problems but a vote of conscience is never negligible. Your choice can cause a spirited rally for true change.

It is easy to be persuaded to vote based on emotion, when we are impassioned by great speeches, or moved by the seeming purity of intention by many of those running for public office. But as history has taught us so incessantly, the motives of those who seek a post in government are often cloaked in their grandiose promises of economic empowerment, societal reform, and wide-reaching “change”. Let us take the initiative to investigate the causes of candidates. Let us be more discerning in these times. While the promises may move as, unknown perils may be lurking.

By all means, vote. Vote for those who share your vision of a better Philippine society. Vote for those with a fortified moral conscience, who can weather the temptations of power, and use it instead to transform the lives not just of the elite or the middle class, but those who truly need it. Vote for those who can, and who will, brave the slums, who will dignify the lives of our labourers, who will fight for our women and children. Vote for those who will defend our rights, and allow it to empower us. Vote for those loyal to the cause of the underprivileged and marginalized, not the puppets of their parties. Vote for those who can think independently, yet act with and for others. Vote for those who can lead their own conscience, not those who follow their caprice. Vote for those who value reason more than money. Vote for those who can empathize with the plight of so many. And if you find none among the candidates, do not fear the protest of a blank vote.

Go to the polls knowing the choice is ours no matter the turnout. There is no greater feeling than to know you’ve voted according to your conscience.

I don’t think there is an ecstasy as good as what you get when an idea troubling your mind becomes a written work. When those spurts of words, and arresting seconds of paranoia, finds resolve in something as a finished poem, or a published novel. Nights when you found yourself awake, possessed by a furious need to write, goddamit, write until it bleeds, until it frustrates you. And when it is done? Not relief. Not mere freedom. Joy, close to a woman who has given birth to a first time; closer to the death which approaches us all.

new manila

I love passing by New Manila. I could never afford to live there but it doesn’t stop me from admiring the sprawl of old money mansions, and the modern townhouses which line its deserted streets. It doesn’t have the warmth of my neighborhood. I suppose many of those who live there would rather stay indoors in the air-conditioned splendor of their huge homes. But I live for the days when I pass through Gilmore, Broadway, or Balete, and alternating shafts of sunlight penetrate the tree-lined streets. These crepuscular rays never fail to delight me. They appear like fingers from the skies, stabbing the ground in some dusty fashion.

mansions versus palaces

I understand I have given the impression I hate my present job. And perhaps, a month into it, I still do. The task is daunting, and work-life balance is a challenge. Regardless, I’m quite proud of the work I’ve put out, and in a way, grateful for the training I’ve been receiving. There’s huge emphasis on research in the organization, and standard procedures have to be followed at all costs. There are also endless meetings, collaborations, discussions, and learning cycles. But the rigorous process of accomplishing tasks have only sharpened my eye for detail. I never thought I could be this meticulous or patient in writing or researching.

Not to mention, it is a job I’m quite proud of (which is ironic when I dread going to work everyday.) Where I am, they truly foster a culture of excellence and innovation. For one thing, the company has a great track record. Management is robust, the salary is great, and the benefits are light years away from my first job. In as little as three weeks, I’ve managed to save more money than my year-end bonus from my last employer. The physical working environment is really good too, and my colleagues are all hardworking, fast thinking, results-oriented individuals equipped with tremendous communication skills. Being surrounded by smart, driven, eloquent individuals inspire me. I can really see and feel their passion for the services our organization offers. After all, the products and services themselves are quite the technological implements. I’ve never been this immersed to technology in my life, to say the least. Coming in the office, I’m not ashamed to show off my door key and ID lanyard bearing my company’s name.

Perhaps, the only concern then is that I cannot see myself in this line of work for a long time. I’m not in anyway a techie, and I would go so far as to think myself as computer illiterate. Heck, installing programs and applications in my devices give me a headache. So to write about things I cannot fully grasp is a challenge, and the learning curve as a result, is steeper than the K2 mountain. I cannot see myself dedicating fourteen hours of my life - like how the regular employees here do - talking about technological and technical ideas I personally cannot relate to. I have no qualms about working fourteen, even twenty hours of work if necessary. But the people here work such long hours everyday, they practically live and breathe the air-conditioned sniff of the office. I can’t imagine them living a life outside work.

If anything, I want a job that I can be proud of, and that really makes use of my skills (not necessarily writing) to contribute to the overall goals of the organization. I like being part of a team that is committed to a single goal. I want to continue to work - regardless if it’s a rank and file position - and making a living out of hard work, sacrifice, and honesty in my duties. But certainly not at the cost of my entire life. I have passions I would like to pursue, and resolutions I would like to implement. I also have a family to attend to, and parents and siblings I would love to support. If a job takes away hours and hours every work day, then what energy or time would be left for me to also nourish the more valuable things in life?

You might accuse me as lazy, and I would do no favors defending myself. But I’m also working to be a man of proportion. I want a life that matters, where I am doing something that is genuinely good. I want a life that doesn’t settle for the superficial: no shitty life coaching, no sappy confidence boosting - a life which exceeds emotional, financial, and spiritual veneers. Yes, I’m still young, and perhaps I am too restless. But I’m also someone who values time, and I know for a fact I can never have what is lost to it. Maybe soon enough, I will find the right career for me, where my professional skills can flourish without compromising my personal duties to self, family, and society. For now, I’m surviving, motivating myself in whatever way I can. I work the hard hours writing, picking up new things from my supervisors, and taking everything as a learning experience - no matter how emotionally draining, or time-consuming. Because if there is one thing I love, and I think I’m still good at, it’s learning.

I keep only one thing in mind: mansions are easy to built but palaces take time.

to e.

Thank you for saving me from being alone at lunch. I have perhaps given the impression I am a miserable young lad whose indecisiveness has led him to such a miserable state. I am afraid I’m not so far off. And yet, I’m not too keen on putting up a face for you, or because of you. I’m not afraid to be a juvenile mess when you’re around.

Regardless of the reasons why we even had lunch in the first place, thank you for being a great friend. I’ve always relied on your blunt honesty in these times. And you know for a fact how I enjoy your scathing judgment of my choices. Your opinion is like a scalpel which removes the excess of my delusions of grandeur. They pull me back from my self-generated contradictions and plant me firmly on reality.

I am extremely glad that over the last two years, I’ve managed to know you better. I doubt I’ll know you more as you’ve always reinforced a wall of mystery around you. I respect that. And I even admire you for not letting all of you be consumed by all of them. Quite the opposite of what I do, as many people could unfortunately attest to.

You’ve always been a chat away. And the random nature of our conversations never fail to focus-sharpen my abilities as an individual to see there is more to life than my world. Those random film recommendations or songs from artists I’ve never heard of. Those early morning stabs at people we dislike, or the evening discussions over reality singing competitions. The occasional gossip, and the obligatory memos on career woes and highs.

I never imagined myself being close to you – the degree of which I am entirely unsure of – because I’ve never been good with other men (except for another man who we have judged far too much!). And now that I am, or think I am, I’m happy it’s a friendship with you.

And with that, I wish you the best as you start your new, professional journey. This wish comes with a tinge of envy, but also a great amount of joy. Good luck!

PS

Thank you for the cigarettes and please shave.